Your Survival is Virtually Guaranteed

I hate to break it to you, but I just gotta tell ya: The world's going to end tomorrow.

No, seriously.

Think I'm kidding? Just check out one of the big stories on cnn.com, foxnews.com, msnbc.com -- pick your news source. (Sidenote: Shouldn't the end of the world be THE big story?)

If I had time, I'd spend some more of it discussing the U.S media and its penchant for frivolity. But I don't - did I mention that the world is gonna end tomorrow? - so let's just cut to the chase.

Here's the scoop: A bunch of scientists have gotten together and decided to replicate the "Big Bang", what most secular scholars feel to be the beginning of the Universe. Now, since modern day scientists haven't yet harnessed the power of the Almighty, they've instead been relegated to building a 17-mile long ring 300 feet underground near France, inside of which they intend to "collide" subatomic particles after accelerating them to warp speed. They're hoping that the subsequent collision will result in the creation of new matter, thus helping us learn about the creation and structure of the universe.

Only problem is, it could also end up destroying the earth.

"Someone will spot a ray of light coming out of the Indian Ocean during the night and no one will be able to explain it. Very soon the whole planet will be eaten in a magnificent scenario -- if you could watch it from the moon, A Biblical Armegeddon. Even cloud and fire will form, as it says in the Bible," says retired Professor Otto Roessler, according to London's Mail and foxnews.com.

Lest you think Professor Roessler has forgotten to take his medication, be aware that a lawsuit has been filed in the United States District Court in Honolulu, Hawaii, in an attempt to obtain a court order to put a halt to the project. According to the lawsuit, "The compression of the two atoms colliding together at nearly light speed will cause an irreversible implosion, forming a miniature version of a giant black hole."

Now, I don't know a lot about black holes. But what I do know tells me that they can't be good here on earth. It doesn't help matters (pun intended) that even mainstream scientists appear to acknowledge that a black hole may be created, although the consensus appears to be that it would be microscopic in size and "the likelihood of these black holes becoming the more well-known kind of black hole is nearly nonexistent."

Hmmm. So what exactly is the definition of "nearly nonexistent"? Sound to me the same as saying, "the chance for world survival and the continuation of the human species is "virtually guaranteed.""

I think I'll stay home from work tomorrow.