Juxtaposition

Larry King led his show tonight with the apparent Iraq revolution; his analysts comparing the growing movement to the overthrow of the Shah in the 70's. One commercial break later, and King is interviewing the Jonas Brothers.

Only in America.

Putting the "BAM" in Obama

I voted for Obama, and the fact that he murderously terminated a fly's existence makes me even prouder that I did.

There are a few groups that it's generally bad to be on the same side of an issue as, and PETA is one of them. Now that PETA has criticizied Obama's cold-blooded, much-publicized atrocity, my support for Obama's anti-fly initiative has taken root. Count me in as one of what I suspect are many genocidal fly-haters and, when the opportunity exists, fly-killers.

Sure, I was raised Christian. And I am a big proponent of the Golden Rule. It's just that, all things being equal....well, flies just aren't equal, and they never will be. Something about that fact that you can barely see them and, oh yeah, they suck. Literally.

So, kudos to you, President Obama, for demonstrating your power, quick reflexes, and staunch determination in squashing that bug.

Now, can you do the same thing to the Republicans?

Two New Rules

i am proud to announce the immediate implementation of my Executive Etiquette Orders 1-2009 and 2-2009:

Executive Order 1-2009 provides mandatory penalty provisions for failure to exercise proper elevator etiquette. It reads, in pertinent part:

"It shall be unlawful under this section for any proposed elevator user to attempt to board an elevator prior to the exiting of any and/or all elevator users who wish to depart on the same floor upon which the proposed user intends to enter."

Plain English Translation: Don't block people from getting off the elevator because you're in a rush to get on. Exits before entrances, jerkoff.

Executive Order 2-2009 permits health club members to deviate from what would be considered appropriate etiquette in a certain situation:

It shall be lawful under this section for a gym member who has exercised regularly for a period of at least sixty (60) days immediately preceding an event as defined in this section to ridicule, harass and/or otherwise embarrass a potential health club patron.

"Potential health club patron" is defined as a morbidly obese individual.

"Event" is defined in this section as a potential health club patron being paraded around a health club by a health club employee and being shown the plethora of state-of-the-art gym equipment, all the while asking questions about the equipment, nodding approvingly to the employee's rehearsed answers, but using none of the equipment and leaving the health club without breaking a sweat.

Plain English translation: Ridicule may be avoided if you adopt the Nike slogan: Get to the gym and "just do it".