UPDATES!

UPDATE to 4/25/07's "On the Wrong Side of the Law":

Well, we tried to give former Clayton Police Chief Frank Winters the benefit of the doubt, innocent until proven guilty.

But now he's been proven guilty.

Winters admitted in court Tuesday to bilking $180,000 from Mothers Against Drunk Driving. Winters had previously been a volunteer for MADD. Now he's looking at 7 years in The Big House.

I remember how MADD attempted to vilify my former client Kenneth Powell, who was charged (and ultimately acquitted) of manslaughter not for drunken driving, but for "allowing" a drunk driver to get behind the wheel. The drunk driver killed young Navy Ensign John Elliot and critically injured his fiance.

Funny how those in the crosshairs of the law are often truly innocent in the eyes of the law, while those aiming the crosshairs can, sometimes, be the bad guy.

Just goes to show that our parents were right when they said you can't judge a book by its cover.

Kepp your eyes open, folks. And try to look down deep.

UPDATE to 9/9/08's "Your Survival is Virtually Guaranteed":

So, we're all still here.

** Phew **

Your Survival is Virtually Guaranteed

I hate to break it to you, but I just gotta tell ya: The world's going to end tomorrow.

No, seriously.

Think I'm kidding? Just check out one of the big stories on cnn.com, foxnews.com, msnbc.com -- pick your news source. (Sidenote: Shouldn't the end of the world be THE big story?)

If I had time, I'd spend some more of it discussing the U.S media and its penchant for frivolity. But I don't - did I mention that the world is gonna end tomorrow? - so let's just cut to the chase.

Here's the scoop: A bunch of scientists have gotten together and decided to replicate the "Big Bang", what most secular scholars feel to be the beginning of the Universe. Now, since modern day scientists haven't yet harnessed the power of the Almighty, they've instead been relegated to building a 17-mile long ring 300 feet underground near France, inside of which they intend to "collide" subatomic particles after accelerating them to warp speed. They're hoping that the subsequent collision will result in the creation of new matter, thus helping us learn about the creation and structure of the universe.

Only problem is, it could also end up destroying the earth.

"Someone will spot a ray of light coming out of the Indian Ocean during the night and no one will be able to explain it. Very soon the whole planet will be eaten in a magnificent scenario -- if you could watch it from the moon, A Biblical Armegeddon. Even cloud and fire will form, as it says in the Bible," says retired Professor Otto Roessler, according to London's Mail and foxnews.com.

Lest you think Professor Roessler has forgotten to take his medication, be aware that a lawsuit has been filed in the United States District Court in Honolulu, Hawaii, in an attempt to obtain a court order to put a halt to the project. According to the lawsuit, "The compression of the two atoms colliding together at nearly light speed will cause an irreversible implosion, forming a miniature version of a giant black hole."

Now, I don't know a lot about black holes. But what I do know tells me that they can't be good here on earth. It doesn't help matters (pun intended) that even mainstream scientists appear to acknowledge that a black hole may be created, although the consensus appears to be that it would be microscopic in size and "the likelihood of these black holes becoming the more well-known kind of black hole is nearly nonexistent."

Hmmm. So what exactly is the definition of "nearly nonexistent"? Sound to me the same as saying, "the chance for world survival and the continuation of the human species is "virtually guaranteed.""

I think I'll stay home from work tomorrow.

Alaska on the Brain

Did you know that the population of the great state of Alaska is only 3 times the population of good 'ol Gloucester County?

Pop of Alaska: 683,478 (give or take a few moose)

Pop of Glouc. County: 254,673

So, if you took the population of Gloucester, Burlington, and Camden Counties, you've got the population of Alaska.

For those of you concerned that V.P. nominee Palin doesn't have enough foreign policy/military experience, I've recently learned that, as Commander of the Alaskan National Guard, she has in fact more "command" military experience than Obama.

The fact that it's been commanding troops to clear roads of dead caribou and providing security for the Iditarod should matter not.

And, for the record, I think the fact that the Governor's teenage daughter is pregnant is completely irrelevant and unrelated to the fact that the Governor (er, self-professed "Hockey Mom") is completely unprepared for the most powerful job on the planet.

Interestingly, I'm hearing rumblings that China, North Korea, and Iran are quite supportive of the possibilty of a Palin Presidency. So, at least we have some of the world on our side.

The woman formerly known as "Sarah Barracuda" (don't ask) and, more recently, as "No Show Sarah" (she is routinely late and often misses scheduled appointments) has certainly made a name for herself now:

Sarah Palin. Just 2 years ago, the Mayor of a town of 7,000 people.

Now, the Republican Nominee for Vice President of the United States of America. To her, I'm sure that has a ring to it.

But I think Hockey Mom sounds better.

Why? I submit to you Governor Palin's own words, when she asked CNBC anchor Larry Kudlow this past July: "What is it exactly that the vice president does all day?"